


Saudade

by Bumble_Beany



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, Explicit Language, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, M/M, Violence, but I promise it has a good ending, dark themes, ereri, trigger warnings for
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-19 15:02:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10642296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bumble_Beany/pseuds/Bumble_Beany
Summary: "What are you doing here, Eren?" Levi finally asked gruelingly. The younger boy shrugged, hopping up onto Levi's desk and turning back to look at him over his shoulder. "You tell me." His voice softly replied. Levi clicked his tongue and mixed the vodka around in his glass. "I..." He paused and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. It literally hurt to say the words aloud. But Levi knew that it was something he had to do. Something he had to admit. "Brat...I miss you."





	1. I'm Fine...

**Author's Note:**

> Saudade is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or  
> profound melancholic longing for an absent something or  
> someone that one loves.  
> I don't own anything except the story...

Levi rarely thought about religion and the afterlife. The Corporal had seen too many traumatic deaths to have any faith in something benevolent. This world had gone to shit and humanity was basically extinct. If there was a higher up, why hadn't there been any interference? 

At least, that was his personal opinion. But as Levi stood in the crowd of somber soldiers at the ceremony Hanji forced him to attend, he thought about the rain. It reminded him of something he had read once in a book, "rain were the tears of the angels in Heaven." 

Levi's piercing gaze glared up at the ominous storm clouds. The drops of rain soaked his face and soddened his dark suit. How fitting the "Angel Tears" were on this bleak day. 

Suddenly a black object obscured his view of the grim sky, compelling him to meet Hanji's worried gaze. She held the dark umbrella over the both of them, and leaned in close to whisper something in his ear. "You okay?" She asked for what felt like the hundredth time this morning. Levi's jaw clenched and he forced his attention onto the scene before him.

The burial. 

"Have you talked to Erwin?" He forced himself to ask. Levi's voice was detached of emotion, which was normal for him. But his guise had completely changed. Gone was his composed suave that many recruits admired about him. Now he was replaced with an empty shell of the man he once was. Exhausted and hopeless. Levi had only felt this way once, and that was many years ago, back in his youth. 

"Nope. The man's quite the busy bee this morning. Like always." She gently smiled, trying to make light of the situation. Levi glanced over at the blond standing in front of the cermony. He had known Erwin for a while, though it had taken some time before the shorter male considered the Commander a trusted ally and friend. The man of interest was now talking to the crowd about Humanity, the Titans, and Eren.... Levi turned away and began to walk towards civilization, leaving behind the regrets of yesterday. "Levi? Where are you going?" Hanji asked; following the male. He sighed and looked over his shoulder at the woman. 

"I...can't...do this, Hanj." He reluctantly admitted through grit teeth. He hardly, if ever, used that nickname on her. It was always shitty glasses, or something to do with her crazy tendencies."Oh, Levi..." Hanji carefully approached the man as if he was some kind of injured animal. In some sense, he was. This version of Hanji surprised him, her reaction towards everything happening was not what he expected. The crazy scientist he knew was now suddenly apathetic and concerned. 

Death really does change people. 

"I knew it would be hard but I didn't want you to feel-" "It's fine. I just need a drink. Tell Erwin that I'll see him at tonight's meeting." He curtly told her. But before he left this time, his eyes trekked back to a small group huddled near Erwin. One person from the group was already looking back at him. Mikasa's intense glare of hatred lit the fire of regret building up in Levi. That was his cue. 

*********************************

"You've been drinking more." Eren remarked, staring at the half-empty glass in Levi's hand. Levi hummed in response and leaned back in his chair. His gaze drifted up at the brunette standing in front of him, observing the unchanging features of the boy. His messy chocolate brown hair looked as soft as velvet. His old, worn shirt hung loosely over his tall and lean frame. His bright eyes, those damn alluring oceanic eyes, stared back at him with concern. 

"What are you doing here, Eren?" Levi finally asked gruelingly. The younger boy shrugged, hopping up onto Levi's desk and turning back to look at him over his shoulder. "You tell me." His voice softly replied. Levi clicked his tongue and mixed the vodka around in his glass. "I..." He paused and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. It literally hurt to say the words aloud. But Levi knew that it was something he had to do. Something he had to admit. "Brat...I miss you."

Before Eren could respond, a loud knock emanated behind Levi's door. The exhausted corporal finished off his drink and slammed the empty glass on to the desk. "Come in." He gruffly replied; fixing his loose cravat. Levi may feel like shit but he would never let his appearance go. He was still humanity's strongest soldier after all. A large, blond male stepped into the room and softly closed the door behind him. "Erwin." Levi greeted the Captain with a frown. "Did Hanji not deliver my message?" He irritably asked; arbubtly standing up from his chair. The short man swayed a little on his feet from the sudden movement. Damn vodka... 

Erwin observed him carefully then glanced down at the empty bottle(s) in the trash. "You shouldn't blame yourself, Levi.... It wasn't your fault." Levi scoffed and leaned forward, resting his hands on top of the desk. "Don't, Erwin. Don't start that up." He growled; glaring into the mahogany of his desk. The corporal had scrubbed the surface recently so the reflection of his pained expression stared back at him. Ewrin sighed and approached the window, he pulled back the dark curtains and stared out at the fields below. "Why aren't you at the ceremony?" Levi asked; his eyes peering over at the other male. "We are concerned about you, Hanji and I." Erwin admitted; continuing his gaze outside. "I don't need your pity." Levi stated; his lip curling up in disgust. "Don't mistaken compassion for pity. Levi, we are your comrades, your friends. I hate seeing you like this." Erwin said; his lips tugging down slightly. 

"Are you going to tell him?" A voice behind Levi suddenly asked. Levi curtly turned around and glared at Eren. "Brat." He hissed under his breath. Erwin glanced over in concern. "Levi, is everything alright?" He asked; leaving the windowsill. Levi tensed up and stared at the brunette in front of him. The boy looked so full of life, just like the last time Levi had seen him. Eren cocked his head to the side and nodded at Erwin. "You should tell him." He simply stated. 

Levi flinched as a heavy hand rested upon his shoulder. "Levi, you know you can talk to me about any problems you are having." Erwin explained, he sounded so goddamn paternal. Levi shook his head and shrugged off Erwin's hand. "I'm fine." He lied and walked towards his door. "I'll see you at tonight's meeting, Captain Smith." He announced, dismissing the blond. "Alright, Levi." Erwin finally replied, wearing a sympathetic expression. Levi frowned at this before slamming the door soon as the other male stepped into the hallway. 

"Dammit, Eren." He hissed; glaring at the boy. "You didn't tell him, why?" The boy asked; frowning. "Because, it's impossible. You being here is not fine." Levi growled; grabbing his temples. "You're not supposed to be here, brat. Your supposed to be dead! You're supposed to be gone!" The older man exclaimed; his fingernails diggign into the side of his face. Eren carefully approached the male. 

"But...I'm not here." He quietly replied. "I-I know." Levi whispered; holding back stinging tears. "I know, Eren." He repeated, collapsing to his knees. The man's sobs were quiet and raspy, similar to someone who had been crying for a while. Eren sank on to the floor next to the corporal and leaned the back of his head against the wall. "You're not fine, heichou." He whispered; glancing over at the older male. The bright eyes searched the man's face, detecting the lies that levi had prepared to say. Levi knew something was wrong with him. That he couldn't move on. After seeing so many deaths during this war against the titans, he couldn't release this one. He knew that talking to the memory of someone who is dead was not fine. 


	2. Haunting Memories

“I can’t believe it... Armin, It’s-It’s the ocean!” Eren’s breathy voice exclaimed; his impossibly large eyes lit up with excitement. The boy was so young and naive even after every he's been through. Levi wasn't sure if he found it irritating or endearing. Eren glanced over at the rest of the group, smiling at his close friends and corporal. Levi arched a curious eyebrow as Armin giggled at the comment. “It’s....a lot closer than I was expecting and smaller.” Eren admitted quietly, glancing back at the water with furrowed eyebrows. 

Armin rode forward on his horse and gracefully swung off. Armin's pale mare went to stand beside Eren's in the tree line, observing the duo from afar. Armin clasped a hand on Eren’s shoulder and smiled brightly up at the brunette. “The Ocean is more vast, almost never-ending. This....is a lake.” He explained; his expression full of admiration towards the new scenery. Levi rode past them on his black mare, his expression closed and his eyes watchful. He didn’t really care what it was, all that mattered to him was completing the mission and getting back alive. The older man observed the area surrounding the large pool of water, finding nothing of concern. 

Except his nerves. 

He frowned and glanced back at the forest behind them, there was no sign of movement or noise emanating from the shady trees past the horses. There was no wind howling and forcing the trees into submission. The birds had disappeared and haven't been seen since they first left the wall. It was an empty and silent feeling the did not bode well with the corporal. 

The empty meadow the group had stumbled upon resembled something out of a picture book, complete with the glistening waters of the lake. For the first time, the atmosphere felt almost peaceful. Almost.

There was no titan in sight, but something still felt wrong. Levi could sense it, almost like prying eyes watching his every move. He skillfully hopped down from his horse and approached the lake. The smaller man leaned down onto a bent knee and gazed over the rippling water. The translucent liquid was practically crystal clear allowing him to see straight to the bottom. 

“Corporal Levi?” Armin inquired; appearing next to the contemplating male. Levi turned his head and arched an eyebrow at the smaller blond to continue. “Isn’t it rather odd, that no one has come across this yet?” Armin asked, mentioning towards the water. “We aren’t that far from the wall....” 

Levi rose to his feet and faced the younger recruit. “Maybe someone has.” He replied; observing the area. It was too quiet. His nerves were amping up by the second. Not because of the unexpected lake appearing out of nowhere, though that did intrigue him, it was the feeling of being watched. 

Levi automatically scanned the shadows, searching for something hidden from view. Searching for danger. The group had thoroughly searched the area of titans and yet....Levi still felt paranoid. 

A loud splash interrupting Levi’s dark thoughts and caused his hand to lurch towards his sheathed sword. His sharp eyes fell onto a soaked brunette sheepishly staring up at the corporal.

Levi sighed and released his weapon. “Shitty brat.” He cursed under his breath. Eren waddling around in the shallower part, splashing water everywhere. ‘He’s like a newborn child...’ Levi thought to himself, shaking his head at the boy.

“Eren!” Mikasa shouted in concern, running past the corporal. “Tch.” Levi rolled his eyes and watched the girl rush into the water towards the brunette. “H-Holy sh-shit! It’s fr-freezing.” Eren chattered; aggressively moving his hands up and down his sides in attempt to warm up. “Stop polluting the water with your stupidity, Brat.” Levi barked, his lips slightly tugged up into a smirk. 

Eren opened his mouth to disagree but froze. Levi felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand as he watched the boy’s eager expression transform into fear and a tinge of anger. “Levi!” He screamed; splashing out of the water and reaching his hand towards the corporal. The boy’s face was drained of color and his bright eyes large. “Behind you!” He warned before a large shadow consumed Levi.

Levi woke with a jolt and striking pain in his head. The man forced himself up to a sitting position and groaned at the pain throbbing from his temples. How much did he drink before falling asleep? Levi’s fingertips scraped the wood floor and felt the wall behind him. Wait, why was he was on the floor? He frowned and pried his eyes open to find large emerald orbs gazing back. He jumped away from the boy and collided into the wall. “The hell, brat?” He hissed, glaring daggers at Eren. The younger boy sat back on his heels and smiled apologetically at the man. “Sorry, I wanted to wake you but....” Before he could even finish, the boy disappeared leaving Levi confused and glaring at empty air. 

"You should really finish talking before disappearing, brat." The corporal grumbled while stretching his shoulders back in a circular motion, flinching at the tight muscle pain. He made a note never to sleep on the floor again, especially when it's wood. 

“You should really get going.” A teasing voice called out. Levi glanced over at his desk, noticing a familiar brunette siting in his chair. 

“Oi! Brat, out of my chair.” He hissed, marching over to the grinning titan shifter. Eren spun the chair around with a teasing smirk and winked at the older man. “Oi! Heichou, you’re late.” He mocked; tapping his wrist. 

Levi stopped and huffed out in exasperation. “What the hell are you talking about?" Eren simply shrugged, wheeling farther away from the man. "Out of my damn chair.” Levi growled; finally grabbing the chair’s armrest. He leaned over Eren, casting a shadow over the boy’s face. “Out.” He ordered; pointing towards the door. Eren leaned up from the chair and stared back at Levi with a playful glint. “Are you going to make me?” He asked innocently. 

Levi sighed and brought a hand up to his face. “I don’t have time for this, the meeting-“ 

“The meeting started ten minutes ago.” Eren explained; stepping away from the chair and heading towards the door. Levi looked over at his clock on the wall and silently swore. The brat was right. “Why the hell did not wake me?” He demanded; glaring at the boy. Eren’s mirth disappeared and was replaced with a forlorn expression. His emerald eyes reflected pain and regret in the irises. “I’m not really here, Levi.” He whispered. 

“Hey! Short stack! You in there!” Someone yelled, followed by thunderous pounds against the door. Levi pinched the bridge of his nose and winced at the sharp pain in his head. Hanji was probably here to drag him to Erwin’s meeting, speaking of which, he thought back on Erwin and his earlier conversation. He had tried to convince the commander that he was fine. But being ten minutes late for the first time was not going to help him prove that Erwin. 

“Go, she’s worried.” Eren admitted; leaning against the wall. His arms folded against his chest and his head tilted in Levi’s direction. “I’ll be here when you get back.” He promised with a small shrug. Levi opened his mouth to disagree when Hanji burst into the room.

“Thank the walls, you didn’t have the door locked.” She proclaimed; adjusting her glasses. “Let’s just get this over with.” He grumbled; walking past Hanji and glancing one last time at Eren. The boy met his gaze and sent him off with a small wave. “Remember to close the door behind you." He reminded the chaotic woman. Levi raked his long thin fingers through his ebony hair and thought about Eren. 

Seeing the boy concerned the corporal. But having similar conversations with him as when he was alive, terrified the man. What was happening to him? Why could he still see Eren when no one else could? “Oi! Shitty glasses, are you coming?” He asked; waiting in the hallway. “Yes, grumpy pants.” Hanji teased, following the male and reaching a hand out to close the door. 

Eren slipped past Hanji and walked out in the opposite direction of Levi. He looked over at the short corporal with a bittersweet smile tugging on his lips. “I’m sorry, Levi.” He whispered, unseen and unheard, then the boy disappeared into thin air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the first 2 chapters aren't long with a lot of depth, I've been trying to get them out as soon as possible. I promise chapter 3 will be little more extensive though... Anyways thanks for reading, please leave a comment or kudo, etc. ~Until next time~
> 
> P.S. here's my tumblr for all that is curious https://bumble-beany.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading the first chapter of Saudade!  
> Let me know what you think by leave comments, kudos, etc!  
> Also If you caught any grammar or spelling errors please let me know. :)  
> Until next time...  
> ~cheers~  
> P.S. (check out my tumblr at https://bumble-beany.tumblr.com/ )


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